What’s In The Hole?

Dr. Jan Cottrell recently posted this picture and I wanted to share it with you. I would imagine that the sculpture means nothing to many people. In fact, you could probably separate those that look at this sculpture and are unmoved into two groups.

The first group might be those who are lower on the emotional scale. Very little bothers them, very little gets in the way. These are the linear types who use most of their mind’s ability to find the solution or work the equation. Logical, level headed folks are in this group. Every time I drive over a bridge I’m thankful for them. I’ll bet the people who have access to nuclear launch codes are like this as well. God bless them.

The second group might be those who haven’t experienced deep loss. There are those among us that were born into stability, sheltered from chaos, developed and surrounded by love and protection, and have dodged life’s cruel lessons.

So if you look at this sculpture and are unmoved, consider yourself fortunate. Go have an ice cream cone; the rest of this post is not for you.

If you’re still here, what’s in the hole?

Is it a person? Someone who defined the world around around you? Someone who gave you a good reason to start the day? Someone who showed you what it means to be fully loved?

Is it your youth? Do you see the hole when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, wondering who that old person is staring back at you?

Is it what could have been? The relationship you had such high hopes for? That is now turned into a dust storm of contempt. Or the career that is coming to a close, with the belief that you thought you would would feel more accomplished and satisfied at this point in your life?

Or is it you? Have you lost yourself somewhere along the way? Have you spent all of your days focused on so many other things that you have lost the deep connection to yourself? Do you even know who you are anymore?

Is it God? Did you construct a higher power out of the cardboard of popularity or denomination only to find out what happens to cardboard in the rain?

Is it familiarity? Have you walked so far into the forest that you have lost your way? Does nothing seem familiar to you anymore? When someone asks, “How are you?” do you conjure up a one word answer, not to be elusive or guarded, but because you couldn’t even begin to form the words?

Is it love? Is love out of reach for you? Maybe you remember that season, and fondly so. But you are no longer, in your own view, lovable. Past the expiration date.

Is it family? Maybe you believed for so many years that your family was close, until it wasn’t. And then you realize that if something like that can change in an instant, then you must have been mistaken in the beginning. Only illusions can change in an instant.

My dad was the kind of man who would have looked at the sculpture and been unmoved by it. For most of his life, anyway. He was a solution guy; a problem solver. He didn’t understand emotional pain. Until recently. As his mind has betrayed him over the last few years, he has developed a hole late in life. When you ask him a question now, you can see him rummaging through empty file cabinets for the answers.

I wish I could tell you what would close the hole up. I wish I knew a thing that could fill it. Lord knows I’ve tried. And let me save you some time. If you think you know, and you’re about to send me an email telling me what that is, don’t bother. You don’t know either. If you think you know, it’s only because the thing you have holding space in the hole hasn’t disintegrated yet.

The only thing I know to do is reach out to the edges of the hole and hang on. If you’re doing that too, then I want you to know you’re not alone. I see you. Hang on with me.