Things I’m Not Thankful For
51 weeks out of the year I try to be intentional about gratitude. It’s an exercise that causes a beneficial cognitive reframe; rearranging my focus and allowing me to walk around day to day in a more aerodynamic way, emotionally and relationally speaking.
But everyone also knows the benefit of moderation. Too much of a good thing and all that. You’ve got to rest sometime, right? I thought this might be a good week to give the gratitude a rest and let my inner critic out for a walk. It’s probably a coincidence that I decided to do that this week. It probably has nothing to do with me pushing back on all of the societal expectations. It likely isn’t correlated with the *occasional* observation by others that I have a tendency to be oppositional. As soon as I wrote that last sentence I thought I ought to check in with the DSM and go over the criteria for Oppositional Defiant Disorder, just to make sure. You’ll be glad to know (or disappointed?) that I’m in the clear! By a long shot! Symptoms need to be present for six months and I’ve got that beat by a mile. By the way, being argumentative about being oppositional isn’t on the symptom list. And that’s all I’m thankful for at the moment.
So in honor of this random Wednesday that has nothing to do with anything that might be potentially celebrated this week, I give you my abbreviated and condensed airing of grievances. If I wrote the unabridged version I’d get carpel tunnel and more than a couple wellness visits, and I just don’t have time for that. Here’s a brief peek:
1. I’m not thankful that it looks like my choice for President in less than a year from now will be limited to two incompetents who’s combined age is 158. You can be 35 years old and be president. I’m not great at math, but I think that could equal about 4.5 candidates. You could blindfold me and give me a piñata stick and I could find someone better suited for the job. I’ve concluded that Democrats and Republican politicians are on the same team; they just wear different jerseys.
2. I’m not thankful for people who think they know what’s going on in the Middle East. Unless you have a Master’s degree on the region or you’re from there, do me a favor and save your thoughts for an Olive Garden review on Yelp. Our one dimensional society almost demands choosing sides though. Chances are you’re “for” one side or the other based only on someone you admire being “for” that side. You don’t have to dig too far into the issue to find absolute truths that seem, and actually are, wildly at odds with each other. Are you’re pulling for one side like you know what’s right here? I’ll tell you whose side I’m on. I’m “for” innocent people not dying at the hands of the self absorbed. Beyond that, I have no idea. Which leads me to #3.
3. I’m not thankful for people who don’t know what they don’t know.
4. I’m not thankful for some new words that are creeping into our lexicon. Some call it a semantic shift. I call it bullshit. I ordered a salad at a restaurant recently. Grilled chicken strip chef salad. The waitress looked at me and said, “Perfect.” I hear that word a lot from servers lately. If I order a bowl of beans. “Perfect.” Am I taking a test? Did I win something? Is that what they would have ordered? Did I read their mind? It’s not perfect, Cheryl. It’s a mediocre overpriced salad. It’ll do. It’s been about ten years since I ordered something at a restaurant that was perfect. So cut it out. Then there’s “adjacent.” As in, almost, but not quite. Kareem Abdul-Jabaar recently said one of Megyn Kelly’s statements was “not quite racist, but racist adjacent.” What the hell does that even mean? Almost racist? If Megyn Kelly is racist adjacent then I’m grumpy adjacent today. Recently I’ve read the phrases, “gay adjacent,” “white adjacent,” and “trauma adjacent.” Am I making too much of this? Maybe I’m just constipation adjacent, who knows. This semantic shift is happening too fast for me. I’m not sure I have the “space” for it. Hey Trevor, we need to talk about why you’ve been late for work the last week. “I don’t have the space for that conversation right now. This space doesn’t feel safe for that dialogue.” Hey Trevor, if you don’t make the space for that conversation there’s going to be an additional space at your desk tomorrow. Are you trying to get job adjacent? Trevor just smiles as if I just laid a golden turd: “Perfect.”
5. I like football and I like Taylor Swift but I’m not thankful they are part of the same conversation. I’m not thankful that a 13 year old girl knows more about the Kansas City Chiefs than I do.
6. I’m not thankful that Matt Rife chose to forgo therapy in favor of working through his demons in front of a crowd. Have you ever been to therapy? Did you see a set a bleachers in the room? Exactly.
7. I’m not thankful that when I go to the gym I have keep an eye out for camera shrapnel everywhere I turn. Camera shrapnel is when someone is filming themselves working out and you suddenly realize you’re in their shot. It’s a war zone at the gym these days. You really can’t look up, because then you’re looking at something you’re not supposed to see. But if you don’t look, you’ll wander into someone’s Spielberg moment. I wish they had age specific times at the gym. 50 and over can come to gym from 12-2. I’d love that! I could go a long time and not miss seeing someone’s Lululemon leggings pulled up to their ovaries.
8. Ironically, I’m not thankful for people who complain all the time. I’d guess that if you never complain you’re just oblivious. But constant complaining can ruin a spirit. I try to keep my rants limited in time and audience. So I’m thankful you’ve allowed this one sour post for me to whine a little. Wait, did I just say something I’m thankful for? Well, I guess the complaint office is closed for now. Might as well wrap up this post with some genuine gratitude.
I’m thankful today and every day for the people who know me. I’m not talking about the Larry adjacent crowd. I’m talking about the people who really know me. Of that group, some have accepted me and some have discarded me. Both actions have been a personal source of growth, insight, strength and freedom.
