Spider Monkey

Kat and the kids (Elijah, Atlas, and Penelope) were in town this week for a tour of the Vaughan spawn. I just got back from spending a little time with them. A magical thing happened, and I thought I’d tell you about it.

David and Kat are great parents, and they’re raising great kids. Penelope, the youngest, had some health issues the first few years of her life. She’s been in a helicopter, and not for fun. She’s all better now, and she’s strong, a little stubborn, and kind of spoiled. As she should be.

The spoiling might be a little bit of Kat doing what I didn’t. I didn’t pamper as a dad. I focused on preparing them, and protecting them. But I didn’t pamper them. On my short list of life’s regrets, not pampering my girls is near the top. I wish I had done better with that. And a few other things.

So, P, as we call her, is the baby, a survivor of a cardiac issue, and the only girl with two older brothers. She’s tiny, but she has a big voice.

Kat told her to do something today, and P looked at me and rolled her eyes. It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I asked Kat where she learned how to do that, and Kat rolled her eyes and said, “I have no idea!”

We’re a hugging and kissing family. So when I started to leave, that meant I’d get a round of hugs and kisses from everybody. I’m glad my mom and dad taught me that. P was the last in line for the hugs. Usually, P hugs me around the waist and I kiss the top of her head. But today was different. She wanted me to pick her up, and then she did something new.

I got spider monkeyed. That’s the only way I can describe it. She wrapped her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist, and she buried her face in my neck. And she squeezed so tight! It’s been a long time since I’ve been spider monkeyed! It felt amazing! And I noticed something I hadn’t noticed in a while. My body relaxed. And I didn’t know before the hug that it wasn’t.

And then, after I sat her down on the floor, she reached up for another. Well, you don’t have to ask me twice! Up she crawled for another one. Two spider monkeys in one day! And this one was stronger than the one before! Arms around my neck, legs around my waist. And this time, I got a wet kiss on the cheek! And my body relaxed even more!

I was genuinely surprised. Both by the spider monkey hug and my reaction to it. Have you ever been stressed and didn’t know it, until you weren’t? I had a coaching session this week and the coach pointed out that when you’re around people who are struggling with one thing or another, that their struggles leak out around them, impacting those closest to them. The coach didn’t use this analogy, but I pictured Pig Pen from the Peanuts and his cloud of dust that surrounded him.

I’ve got a fair amount of dust around me. Also, on me.

As a therapist, I don’t do a lot of somatic work. I admire that discipline, but I’m probably not that in touch with my body. But today, I noticed a strong somatic shift after being spider monkeyed twice. It felt like the level of relaxation after a massage. Or a solo walk on the beach at sunrise. How did I not know I was so tense? I guess I’ve been normalizing it? Anyway, as I left their place and walked to my car, I felt like an incredible weight had been lifted off of me.

And then, when I was almost at my car, Kat called me from the door: “P wants another hug!” I came back and got the third Spider Monkey of the day. Arms wrapped tight around my neck. Legs wrapped around my waist like she was trying to stay on a horse. And another kiss on the cheek. In hockey, that’s called a “hat trick.”

And I felt the last of the toxin leave me.

On Kat’s birthday, I got the gift.

I wonder if this is why Mother Teresa experienced her crisis of faith? Her intense personal suffering might have been caused by the proximity of the dust cloud around her.

If you’re a helper, or if you collect broken people people, you might want to look for a spider monkey hug from someone. Or you just might want to take some time and pay attention to yourself for a minute or two.

If that sounds selfish to you, then I’m talking to you especially.