I’m Done with Recovery

I know the word is established. I know that it is not going away anytime soon. I know the word has meaning to so many people. But I think I’m done with it.

There are a couple of definitions for the word Recovery. Here’s one: “a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.” Well that doesn’t work at all, does it? Normal? Normal?? Show me normal and I’ll show you guarded. Show me normal and I’ll show you someone who is not transparent. I’ll bet you think you have normal neighbors. Guess what, you don’t. They just take extra measures so you don’t see what’s going on with them.

OK, I’ll allow that, somewhere, there’s a family that is truly one dimensional, maybe even normal. They eat 3 squares a day, have game night, no maladaptive behaviors or thoughts, no shadows, say their prayers at night, no trauma, etc. Just because I don’t know anyone like that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. For me and my experience, the only normal people are the ones I just don’t know well. But that’s my bias and my bias is based on my experience and what I do for a living (and who I am). But even if those people are walking among us, they most certainly are not working on Recovery.

Here’s another definition: "the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.” There’s a big problem with that one too. For so many people who struggle with Substance Use Disorder, the process is not about regaining something that was stolen or lost. That “something” was never there in the first place.

“Officer, I’d like to report a stolen car.”

“OK, what the make and model?”

“1967 Shelby GT500.”

“Wow, that’s an amazing car! How long have you had it?”

“I’ve never had it. But I’ve always wanted one.”

One of the problems with maintaining long term sobriety is the vain attempt (for most) to regain what was never present in the first place. Trauma impacts for generations. Mood disorders are genetically predisposed. So is SUD. Adverse Childhood Experiences are strong predictors of SUD.

Are you familiar with the frustration of looking for something that was lost? It’s so vexing! I know it’s here somewhere!! They were just right here only two minutes ago!!! HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY GLASSES?? WHERE ARE MY GLASSES (they’re on my head)!!!

Now imagine looking for something that is lost that you’ve never had. In so many ways, this is what early sobriety is like for many people. Looking for peace of mind when it’s never been familiar. Trying to attain a mental state that doesn’t resemble a startle reflex when it has never been experienced. Trying to sustain a healthy relationship when it has never been modeled. Trying to regain a healthy self image when it has never been in focus.

Restoring furniture and building furniture are two completely different skill sets requiring completely different sets of tools. Ask any craftsman who does either. People that build furniture usually don’t restore furniture and vice versa.

So what word could we use to replace “Recovery?” This is where I get a little stuck. The word is here to stay, but we might get some purchase on changing the definition? There are some words that I like better, though.

I like “Commencement” a lot. It’s from the Latin word, “incepto”, meaning, “a beginning.” That’s also where we get the word, “Inception.” Beginnings are fresh, like the dawn. When I’m up having my cup of coffee first thing in the morning it is very likely that I haven’t screwed up anything yet. Body’s clean, slate is clean. Neither stay that way all day, but I do love a good beginning.

I also like Prelude: “event serving as an introduction to something more important.” The beginning of sobriety is wrought with pain, difficulty, an absence of joy or pleasure, did I mention pain? But it is a Prelude to a beautiful symphony. But the music hasn’t started playing just yet.

Then there’s Debut: “the first appearance in society.” I like this one for the introverts who sometimes have used chemicals as a cover or cloak (a costume) when around people to treat their social anxiety.

Speaking of Debut (and I know you’re not going to like this one, but…) there’s Cotillion: from the French word meaning “revealing the underskirt.” Peeling off our layers to see what lies beneath is the work before us. “Revealing the underskirt” is not a bad way to describe the deep, personal work I’ve done as a client in services. Also, get your mind out of the gutter!

Well, I ought to go ahead and mention the Portuguese word, “Concebre": meaning “to take in and hold.” It’s where we get our word for conception. The early days of sobriety are best spent with our brain tucked in a jar on a shelf. Taking suggestions, following another’s path, and focusing on simple tasks are the order of the day. Just take it in and hold it.

Last one: Inauguration: from the Latin phrase meaning, “one who furthers the growth…” This process isn’t about a destination, although there certainly is an end to the symptoms of SUD. It’s more about progress. Advancing. Refining. There are chemicals and processes that inhibit growth. We know those all too well. While I have lost all hope in a President that will further the growth of our country, (unrelated mini rant: are we really picking between these two guys next year?) those in early sobriety get an opportunity to actually further their growth.

I know we’ll never replace the word, “Recovery.” But if you’re “in” recovery and you’re having some difficulties recovering what you’ve never known, you’re not alone. The stadium is packed.

The canvas is blank. You hold the brush. Yes, I know the canvas is crumpled, maybe a little stained. Smooth it out. Each word, each choice is a brushstroke on your new masterpiece. What a work of art you are. What a work of art you are becoming! They can keep what was stolen or lost or never had. You have a fresh start.