Confidence Vs. Curiosity

When I came into the world I was full of curiosity and unashamed of it. This was the Spring of my life. And it was a short season.

Then I went to school where the education system and my peers repeatedly reinforced the notion that knowing the answers made me valuable and not knowing the answers lowered my stock and invited scrutiny and scorn. So I worked hard at knowing the answers and, at times, pretended to know the answers. This was Spring in Autumn. And it was a long transition.

Then I entered the job force. Lacking experience and wrinkles on my face, in the presence of experience and wrinkled faces, I watched those around me speak with confidence. And so I, too, became confident. Certain, in fact. About so many things. The Nature of God and the Universe. What is Right and what is Wrong. What you should do next with your life. But when I was alone, and willing to be honest with myself, which was occasionally, I didn’t feel very confident. But I dared not speak it. In my first career, a lack of confidence was synonymous with a lack of faith. In my second career, not knowing what to do was simply ignorance. And so I kept my questions to myself. This was the Autumn of my life.

I fell down between Autumn and Winter.

Now, in the Winter season, hopefully early Winter, I am no longer confident. About anything. Well, maybe one thing: I know what is happening in the moment where I reside. But that’s it. The strange thing, though, is that I am more at ease than I ever have been in my entire life. I have stopped trying to make order out of the chaos. I have resigned from trying to get others to do what what I want (mostly). After all, I would have to know the answers to direct the affairs of others.

Confidence has been replaced with curiosity. And curiosity has served me well. Unashamed curiosity.

Why am I telling you this? Well, mostly because I wish someone had told me long ago. I’m not suggesting you trade in your confidence. I just wanted you to hear from one person today that when you wonder what’s going on, and you feel unsure about yourself and your world, that it doesn’t mean you’re going to get a bad grade. It doesn’t mean you are worth less. Or worthless. I wanted you to know curiosity is a natural state.

And I wanted you to know you’re not alone.