What Happened to You?

This is mostly a reminder for me about me, but I thought I'd leave it here so I can come back to it. It might possibly be helpful to you; I don't know. Here's my reminder: What I do today is a direct result of two things. First, what happened to me in the past. Second, how I framed what happened to me in my mind. 1+1=Bx.

I know, or at least I think I know, that trauma is a fabric that covers all of us at one point or another. From the research on epigenetics, we know that we are currently being affected by the experiences of at least three generations of our ancestors (read Mark Wolynn, It Didn't Start With You). I also know, or think I know, that we (field of mental health) kind of suck at treating trauma. Healing trauma seems like wishing for a lottery win. So experiences build a system of rules. A new experience comes along and has to be viewed through the lens of our rules. Then we react or respond. That's also when our boss or coworker or partner or friend see our behavior and, since they are not looking through the same prism of past experiences as we are, declare, "What's Wrong With You??"

Well, there's a thousand things wrong with me. I have the list organized by acuity, alphabetically, and phonetically. But what I do does not emanate from what is wrong with me. What I do comes from what happened to me and how I interpreted that event. In fact, the question, "What's Wrong With You?" is a lazy question. It doesn't even expect an honest answer. So I'm just reminding myself to stop asking it. Of others and myself. I'm reminding myself to take the time to ask the more authentic question: "What Happened to You?" And while we can't change what happened to either one of us, with some work and introspection, we might be able to change our interpretation of the event, and thus change what we do. This is hard work and not for the faint of heart. It feels like the heat of a Forge.

I know, or I think I know, that I am more whole today from asking the second question than I was three years ago.