A Beginner’s Guide to Couple Therapy (for the Reluctant One)
When I open my office door and see a couple waiting, it’s clear to me (most of the time) whose idea this was. One person is sitting there with anticipation on their face, while the other partner looks like they are headed into an IRS audit. They come into the therapy room, one with quick, bright steps, they are perched on the edge of their seat. The other slumps back, eyes down, looking like they’re about to get detention. The hopeful client usually speaks when I ask what brought them to therapy. The compelled client has usually already looked at their watch by this time.
It’s not always like that. I’ve had couples come in at similar stages of change. Both are willing and excited about exploring ways to improve their relationship. But most of the time, one of the partners is there under some level of suggestion.
If that sounds familiar, if Couple Therapy has been “suggested,” then the rest of this article is for you. By the way, I know everyone calls it Couples Therapy, but there’s only one couple. And if it’s Couple’s therapy, why don’t we call it Individual’s Therapy? So it’s Couple Therapy, unless you’re a Throuple. Then I’ll have to refer you only because I don’t know how to do that.
Allow me to expel some common myths about Couple Therapy and offer some suggestions that might make your experience more productive (and maybe even fun)!
Let’s start out with a few myths that some of my clients brought into the therapy room:
Myth #1: The Therapist is a Referee. With three people in the room, and following a democratic process, there is never a time for a vote to be taken with the majority ruling. In other words, your therapist is not there to pick a side. In fact, if you ask most therapists how they view the situation, they’ll tell you they view the couple as one entity. So to the therapist, there are only two in the room: the couple and the counselor. Our goal is to join with you, the couple. If the therapist is doing a good job then you both should feel like the therapist is your advocate by the end of the first session.
Myth #2: Shame Is Part of The Copay. Many times what drives a couple into the office goes something like this: One person’s behavior has become so concerning to the other partner that, after many (MANY) failed attempts to reach a common ground, they need someone to guide them through the maze. If that behavior belongs to you, then you might expect to “be in trouble” during the session. You’ll have to trust me a little on this: What you have been doing, or not doing, will not shock your therapist. Not only that, but we tend to see behavior, all behavior, as making sense in context. Meaning, we know that what you’re doing (or not doing) makes sense to you and not your partner. It will make sense to us, too. We want to look at the whole environment and see what adjustments can be made for both parties to be satisfied. I’ve actually had the “bringer” be a little upset with me in the past because I didn’t pile on the one who was “brought.” If shame and chastisement worked as an effective measure of change, our society would have been perfected during the Puritan Era.
Myth #3: What They Don’t Know Won’t Hurt Me. Couple Therapy is not the courtroom. You are not a witness on the stand. You don’t need a defense attorney. I know this is counter intuitive, but hear me out: You will put yourself in a weaker position the more you minimize, hide, deflect, or deny the things that are actually true about you. You will absolutely put yourself in a powerful position by being transparent about you and your life. You’ll feel exposed at times; that’s because we’re conditioned to try to make ourselves look better than reality. “Put your best foot forward” was not said about therapy. Here’s a better quote for your sessions: “Let ‘em see you naked!” Emotionally, of course. Behaviorally, yes. Not literally. That’s a quick way to end a session! I remember a client years ago that took the suggestion to be completely open. His wife talked about how much he had been drinking, and she gave an estimate. The husband said, “Actually, it’s more than that.” And he gave his account. That guy was ready to work! That level of openness set the foundation for a successful course of treatment.
Myth #4: We Can Never Recover From Infidelity. The most dramatic beginnings in Couple Therapy involve one or both parties discussing infidelity (this affects 20-40% of unions). My very first counseling session included a wife who had decided to tell her husband for the first time that she had taken another lover (don’t do that to your therapist). This may surprise you, but most of us in the counseling field don’t think of infidelity as the foundational issue. Most of us understand that when couples have a monogamous agreement and one or both parties break that agreement we have two issues to work on. First, the communication between the two is clogged like a pipe (we have the snake). Second, the vast majority of people who seek outside relationships do so because the quality of their current relationship doesn’t meet expectations. This is where it gets difficult: There’s a shared responsibility for most, if not all, infidelity. Meaning, there is not a clear cut offender and victim. I can only think of a few cases where the person having an affair did so without overt or covert assistance from their partner. It’s simply not a white hat / black hat situation. If you were the one who had an outside relationship, our goal is not to shame you or guilt you into “good” behavior. Our goal is to try to understand what both parties were missing in the relationship and find a way to strengthen it. My anecdotal experience tells me people who have a high relational satisfaction are damn near affair proof.
Myth #5: Couple Therapy Doesn’t Work. Research tells us that couples that engage therapy together have a real chance of working things out. In one study, 77% of couples who went to therapy together reported high relational satisfaction and were still together five years after counseling. Even among couples where infidelity was part of the picture, nearly 60% were still together at the five year mark. Remember Myth #3? Only 20% of the couples were together when one or both parties had an outside relationship that they kept concealed from their partner during the therapy process. You can read that study here. 70-90% of couples who work together in therapy have found it to be beneficial (Journal of Marital and Family Therapy). All of this progress for an average of 12 sessions!
Allow me to give you some suggestions: First, if your partner asks you to go to counseling, give them a resounding, “YES!” Besides seeing the look of shock on their face, you’ll enjoy the first of many unbalancing acts that can put you both on the right path. Second, make some notes on what you would like your relationship to look like. We’re not looking for a list of flaws in your partner; more like, if X were increased or Y were decreased you would likely rate your relationship satisfaction higher. Third, don’t go in as a bench warmer. You’re not a spectator here. You’re a starter! Get in there! Listen when others are talking, stop rolling your eyes, take notes on what is said, and then share your perspective.
One more thing and then I’ll give you a little cheat code for a different way to think about your current situation. It’s not rare to find yourself in a therapy session with your partner and you notice your heart rate starts to rise. You start to sweat a little, maybe tense up a bit. You start talking through your teeth. I wanted to give you a name for this: We call this Flooding. It’s when your central nervous system is on fire. If you notice this happening to you, take care of this first. I’ll leave the brain stuff out of this article, but when we are flooded, the logical, reasonable center of our brain goes kind of dark. Which means, when we’re flooded is when we say the most ridiculous things (I know this to be absolutely true from both sides of the couch)! To un-flood: Ask for some water, excuse yourself to the bathroom for a minute, take slow, deep, deliberate breaths, and say this to yourself: “Larry said this was likely going to work. Everything is going to be fine.” Rejoin the conversation when your heart rate and muscle tension tells you its OK. A good therapist will notice the flooding and address it. A bad therapist will get flooded with you and it becomes a free for all. I’m not saying emotions can’t run a little hot in session. I am saying that trying to communicate when your flooded doesn’t work very well.
Final thing, I promise: Just about every couple session I ever did began with one person asking why their partner did or didn’t do something. The the other person gives their list about what their partner does or doesn’t do. It resembles elementary age siblings telling on each other. Here’s the cheat code: The problem isn’t that your partner isn’t meeting your needs. The real problem is that you haven’t learned how to ask for what you want and need. When you realize that, you’ll be filled with power, because of all the things you can’t control in this world, including your partner, you still have sway over your choices and decisions. In this setting, you can learn how to ask for what you want and insist on what you need!
